Hero

I was going through old notes on my ipod, when I came across something I had written last September. I was encouraged by it, and thought someone else might be, too:

"Sometimes I feel such sorrow, even though I still have contentment and joy. It's as though I'm alright in Christ's strength, but my weakness still shows through sometimes. It hurts to feel so very alone, sometimes, even though I know in my heart I have Christ, and He is by far enough. But sometimes I long for someone to embrace me, to show interest in spending time with me or talking to me, as though I have something to offer, to be appreciated for. I guess I don't so much need to be 'liked' or popular... I need to feel needed. I need to feel concerned for. I was just listening to a song where the singer was essentially begging someone to let them love them, and I thought, no one hopes for me. No one will probably ever hope for me. No one who shares my hopes and passions. It hurts to think that way. I know you're in control of all that, Lord, but it still hurts sometimes. And I need your strength to bear it. The strength that only you can provide.

I did have an awesome thought yesterday, though. I'm not sure that a guy could realize this in the same way, but a girl wants her guy to be her hero. She wants him to be stronger than her, to hold her and carry her sometimes and protect her, and as much as she would hate to lose him, she would want him to stand between her and death, if necessary. As far as affection for Christ goes, he does and has done all of that. He gave his life for his bride, for me, so that I might live, to win me for himself. This realization should steal my heart, and make me fall deeply, very deeply in love with my savior, my hero."

As of now, I'm not so alone anymore. I have the most wonderful boyfriend I could ever have asked for, and he loves the Lord as much as I do! I couldn't be happier. God has been so merciful and gracious to me. But coming across this note was an important reminder to me that Jesus always needs to be my ultimate source of joy.

"Thou lovely source of true delight

Whom I unseen adore;

Unveil thy beauties to my sight

That I might love thee more;

O! That I might love thee more."

-Jars of Clay, 'Hymn'

Beautiful

There are times when I feel swallowed by all the pain, loss and sorrow in the world. I want to make a difference. I hurt for the people who hurt. I want to change it all, to steal it all away and replace it with joy and love and peace. Especially this Christmas. It hurts my heart to not be able to give and share with the people I love. I really do have a heart for people, and as irritable as I can get sometimes, I want to give all those people a giant hug and wipe away their tears and tell them it will be okay, and be able to mean it, I want to have the power to make it all better. Sometimes I tell people it will be okay, even though I know it won't. Sometimes I have to be strong so that other people can be strong, even though my heart cries out within me that I'm terrified, that I'm weak, that I can't do it. But even though I can't make it all better, I have a Father who can, and I can talk to him and cry to him any time I need to. My favorite scripture is Zephaniah 3:17, “The Lord your God in your midst, the mighty One; He will save. He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” It's my favorite scripture because it reminds me that God is closer than an intangible being. He is as close to me as a Father, who takes delight in me in spite of my failures and imperfections. He cares deeply for me, and He is in control of the universe and all it's events. So I don't have to be afraid, even though I know I'll continue to be. I can make a huge difference just by talking to my Father about my fears for myself and for others, and my sorrows and pains. I know He will provide, I know He will always be there for me. Even if I lose all that I own, and all that makes me feel safe, and I'm all alone in this world, I can never lose His love. I am full of fear, not so much for myself, but for those that I care about. I want to save all of them from ever having to hurt, and I am very afraid of losing them. I can't save them. But Jesus can. Jesus did. There will always be pain in the world. But it won't be forever. Someday everything will be returned to it's original design and intent, and we will be closer to God than we could have ever imagined. There will be no more tears, no more pain, no more brokenness. And it will be beautiful.

hammers and sand

"Where my shoes become hammers and my words become sand..." -Blue October, 'Come in Closer'


I haven't written anything in quite awhile, so give me some grace here. The reason, I guess, that I've decided to take up writing again is because I've felt so deeply lately that I need some sort of outlet so I don't drive myself crazy. I recently was brought back to faith after being somewhat 'lost' for several months... bad choices, sin, not trying to make excuses for it, but I won't go into incredibly great detail here. Long story short, I wasn't sure if I was saved because of all the sinful desires I was struggling with (and still do struggle with). But I am now looking to Christ for strength rather than drowning alone in my own inabilities.And I now feel I have more accountability than I did before. But due to the consequences of my actions, including a family member who is using my poor choices as an excuse to make a plethora of her own, I have been soul-searching, listening to a lot of emotional music and lyrics that have been touching my soul deeply... in fact, I strongly desire to make my own 'music', my own impact. If I could make music, believe me, I would, but as I am a lot more verbally inclined than instrumentally inclined, I will attempt to make symphonies of words.


Ironically, my inspiration for writing today was an epiphany I had while listening to the song quoted at the beginning of this entry. I guess I never realized what that particular line meant before yesterday, but our  actions have a lot greater impact on others and the world in general than our words. Words may be forgotten, but our lives are defined by what we do and have done. I recall the parable Jesus told in Matthew 21:28-32, of the two sons and the vineyard. A father told both sons to work in his vineyard, receiving an affirmative answer from one and a negative answer from the other. The son who said he would work did not end up keeping his word, but the one who refused "regretted it afterward and went". Which of the sons, Jesus asks, did the will of his father? The one who worked, obviously. What became of the words of the first son? They "became sand", whereas the actions, or "feet", of the second son "became hammers". They had an impact.


In I John 3:18, John admonishes us to "not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth." James backs this point in James 2:15-17, where he writes, "If a brother or sister is naked or destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Depart in peace, be warmed and filled', but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also, faith without works is dead."


So the things we do are a lot more important than what we say, right? Absolutely! Does this mean that words do not carry any weight at all and that what we say doesn't matter at all? Definitely not! Right after James tells us that actions are worth more, he explains how words are important as well! "But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it, we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so." -James 3:8-10 "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!" What foolishness! James just told us that the tongue is full of deadly poison. Deadly! Anyone who has ever felt the sting and anguish of the cruel words of even children, or been emotionally abused knows that this childhood rhyme is a far cry from the truth.Words do hurt, deeply, and their scars can be seen and felt for years. Words do matter, even God said that they do. God created everything to glorify God including our words. The Psalmist writes many beautiful things about God. God has created the vast, endless array of language, vocal inflection, tones, various syllabic sounds, shaping of the mouth as simply another beauty in the world to bring glory to himself. I hope I can master the English language, at least, to the extent of being able to weave beautiful tapestries of words. But I want the beauty of my actions to mirror the beauty of my words. In fact, I want the beauty of the words I use with everyone I come in contact with to mirror the beauty of the words I speak in secret. I pray that this hope will become a reality, because I can be a very ugly person at times, and I am shamed by this. I really do hope to make some sort of difference in the world in service to Christ through service to others, even the very least in the kingdom of God. 


Let's all be more conscious not only of our words, but the spirit in which those words are spoken, and the actions the actions that will either support those words or make them to become "sand" Pray for the grace to make this a reality in each of our lives. I have been called a hypocrite several times recently. Lord, do not let it be so with me. Conform me, in humility, to the beauty of Christ. Shape my desires, words and my actions.

prayer.

As I was driving home from work tonight, I was thinking. I enjoy spending time just thinking, it helps me to sort things out. Anyway, I was thinking, in particular, about prayer. There are so many concepts and things I have yet to learn in my developing faith, and I look forward to learning a great deal throughout the course of my life. Prayer is something that has baffled me somewhat for quite awhile. If God is in complete control, and is unchanging, what's the point of praying and petitioning Him for things? It won't change His mind, so what's the use? I mean, I understand that we pray according to His will, and that our prayers help us to grow and to glorify Him, but still... As I dwelt on this concept, I had somewhat of an epiphany.

God uses our prayers in much the same way as He uses our evangelism.

We are commanded to pray; therefore, we pray. We are commanded to evangelize; therefore we evangelize. Prayer doesn't change God's will, just as evangelism doesn't change God's will. We don't know what the answer to our prayers will be, just as we don't know who will respond to the gospel call, but we pray in faith, knowing that God's will will be done, and that it is what's best. God has chosen to work through our prayers as a tool, much as He has elected to work through our evangelism. So our prayers do matter.

Isn't God awesome?

purity.

"One day we took the children to see a goldsmith refine gold after the ancient manner of the East. He was sitting beside his little charcoal fire. ("He shall sit as a refiner"; the gold- or silversmith never leaves his crucible once it is on the fire.) In the red glow lay a common curved roof tile; another tile covered it like a lid. This was the crucible. In it was the medicine made of salt, tamarind fruit and burnt brick dust, and imbedded in it was the gold. The medicine does its appointed work on the gold, "then the fire eats it," and the goldsmith lifts the gold out with a pair of tongs, lets it cool, rubs it between his fingers, and if not satisfied puts it back again in fresh medicine. This time he blows the fire hotter than it was before, and each time he puts the gold into the crucible, the heat of the fire is increased; "it could not bear it so hot at first, but it can bear it now; what would have destroyed it then helps it now." "How do you know when the gold is purified?" we asked him, and he answered, "When I can see my face in it [the liquid gold in the crucible] then it is pure." -Amy Carmichael, 'Gold Cord'

Memento Mori

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return." -Genesis 3:19

joy will come

"Sitting closer than my pain, He knew each tear before it came; soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by..."

"You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?" -Psalm 56:8

"Joy will come!"

Quick Thoughts on Reality

The senses are mere tools through which to interpret what we know as reality - the present, physical world. But is the future any less real because we cannot presently perceive it? Why assume that a land exists that you have never set foot on? I don't think we realize the amount of faith and assumption we live by on a daily basis. It is ignorant, perhaps even arrogant, to assume that just because we have imperfect tools through which to process the spiritual world that it is any less real than that which we can touch. Do we peons really think that much of our own mental faculties? Things don't have to make sense to us to be the way they are.

Just a quick thought I had.

2011

Well, it's the new year, and I haven't made any resolutions. Probably for the best, they never last, anyway. I would like to set a few goals for myself, though, or at least be thinking about what's important as I go into the new year. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life, and whether or not I'm wasting it. If I died tomorrow, what would there be to say or remember about my life? "Janna worked and went to class. Nearly everything else she did was self-indulgent." I want my life to mean something, and there is no meaning outside of Christ. "The chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." How does one go about this? By faithful study and prayer, living a life of service to others and to the Lord, and allowing the gospel to permeate one's life (which can only be accomplished through continual study of the word). Don't get me wrong, there's a place for entertainment and enjoyment in life, but it's easy to make that the focal point when there is so much more.

Here are some goals I want to work on as we head into the new year:

1. Make time every day to study God's word and pray (continually).

2. When studying God's word, choose a verse from whatever passage is read to meditate on throughout the day.

3. Treat everyone I come into contact with with the love of Christ... true love, not a mushy feeling.

4. Look for opportunities to bless others, and make an impact on the world for Christ.

5. Put my all into everything I set out to do, and do it for the glory of God.

6. Spend more time reading.

7. Choose and learn an instrument (something I've wanted to do for quite awhile).

8. Make better use of my time...

9. Develop some sort of budget.


There are a few other things I want to strive for, but a lot of them could probably fall under the "make better use of my time" category. I guess the reason I posted this on here, is because maybe sharing some of my aspirations will help make me more accountable, and having them written out here will be a reminder to me. Hope you all have a wonderful new year!

And on the subject of Pharisees...

Biblical Principles for Cultural Decision-Making

A few weeks ago, I was listening to my favorite minister, Matt Chandler, while driving to work. I always appreciate what he has to say, as it is very insightful, and as far as I have seen, in step with scriptural teaching. I wish I could share everything I have learned from him, but alas, my memory is poor. That particular day, though, he made a reference that caught my attention: "The Radical Reformission" by Mark Driscoll, which I read last fall. The next time I was at home (and had put some change in the parking meter also known as my memory), I looked the reference up in my copy of "The Radical Reformission", and thought it had some good guidelines that seem to be founded on scripture. I was recently reminded that I had wanted to share this by some questions posed by a friend. Without further ado, here are 12 Biblical Principles for Cultural Decision-Making:

1. Is it beneficial to me personally and to the gospel generally?
'"All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be enslaved by anything.' -I Corinthians 6:12

2. Will I lose self-control and be mastered by what I participate in?
'"All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be enslaved by anything.' -I Corinthians 6:12

3. Will I be doing this in the presence of someone who I know will fall into sin as a result?
'But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone sees you who have knowledge eating in an idol’s temple, will he not be encouraged, if his conscience is weak, to eat food offered to idols?' -I Corinthians 8:9-10

(Keep in mind, with the above principle, that we ought to be sensitive to the truly weaker brother, but make no allocations for a Pharisee [legalist or moralist, defined as someone who likes to create mandates for themselves as well as everyone else, that are not given in scripture, making themselves feel that they are somehow 'better' or closer to God]. I heard something to this effect on The White Horse Inn, but I'm not sure if I'm repeating it correctly.)

4. Is it a violation of the laws of my city, state or nation?
"Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. For because of this you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed." -Romans 13:1-7

5. If I fail to do this, will I lose opportunities to share the gospel?
"If one of the unbelievers invites you to dinner and you are disposed to go, eat whatever is set before you without raising any question on the ground of conscience. But if someone says to you, "This has been offered in sacrifice," then do not eat it, for the sake of the one who informed you, and for the sake of conscience— I do not mean your conscience, but his. For why should my liberty be determined by someone else’s conscience? If I partake with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of that for which I give thanks?" -I Corinthians 10:27-30

(I am not sure whether the one doing the informing is a non-Christian, or a weaker brother. If anyone has insight on this, I would love to hear it.)

6. Can I do this with a clear conscience?
"So I always take pains to have a clear conscience toward both God and man." -Acts 24:16

7. Will this cause me to sin by feeding sinful desires?
"Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires." -Romans 13:13-14

8. Am I convinced that this is what God desires for me to do?
"Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience."
-Romans 13:5

9. Does my participation proceed from my faith in Jesus Christ?
"But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."

Thought: How much of conscience is built into our nature, and how much of it is a result of the environment we are brought up in, and is the latter of any consequence?

10. Am I doing this to help other people, or am I just being selfish?
"Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor." -I Corinthians 10:24

11. Can I do this in a way that glorifies God?
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved." -I Corinthians 10:31-33

12. Am I following the example of Jesus Christ to help save sinners?
"Just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved. Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ." -I Corinthians 10:33-11:1

As a final commentary, our chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever, the two being intertwined. You cannot enjoy God without glorifying Him, and you cannot glorify Him without enjoying Him (I stole this, inadvertently, from John Piper).

a walk in the park

Love: The True Saviour

I know I haven't continued in my exploration of the subject of love, and I had fully intended to take it up where I left off, but I must confess, it's been awhile since I read C.S. Lewis's work on the subject, and I may have to review it once more before I'm able to do so (since my memory is pretty awful). I have been considering an aspect of the topic, though, and planning on writing about it since before my last written entry. I had planned on waiting until my full exegesis on "The Four Loves", but since I feel like writing, and since I've contemplated a bit on this particular facet lately, I think I'll go ahead and share my thoughts.

As many of us know, marriage (the love between a man and a woman) is a picture of Christ's relationship with the church. Christ showed his love for the church in the ultimate act of self-sacrifice. The church, in response, demonstrates her love in obedience to Christ, as He graciously sustains her. In the same way, husbands are to "love their wives as their own bodies" (Ephesians 5:28); a self-sacrificial love. And wives are to "be subject to their own husbands in everything" (Ephesians 5:24). Though this is not a perfect picture, because our love is so often tainted by sin, it does help us to better understand God's perfect love.

Unfortunately, though, this image is often glorified on its own, rather than pointing toward something better. I often hear love songs on the radio (or on my ipod) that could almost be mistaken for worship songs (many times worship songs, I think, are also mistaken for secular love songs). The lyrics to such music are often surprisingly accurate in what the songwriter seems to be seeking. I suppose it could be generalized that they're looking to their lover for a perfect, fulfilling, sanctifying love that will never fail and never end. Unfortunately, they're looking to the wrong person. That's why you also hear bitter love songs about how the one whose love was never-ending has failed you. Newsflash: People will ALWAYS fail you. People break promises. People are selfish. People die, and people leave you. People will break your heart. Even the one you commit to in marriage will fail you, in some way and at some time. As is so aptly sung in "Just a Man" by The Classic Crime, "I'm not your saviour". The only love that is perfect comes from the true Saviour, the only sinless One, who will never leave you and cannot fail you.

My intention is not to beat down on human love. The love between a man and a woman, when it is built on the correct foundation, is a beautiful thing. It's an incredible gift, and a glorious opportunity to give while at the same time receiving; a mystery. Much of what a man is to be to a woman is what Christ is to the church. I thank God for the joy He offers to be able to share life's journey and my pursuit of Him with someone else, and to be able to better understand His love through that. I am certainly not advocating withholding a part of yourself from your spouse, because of fear of them failing you. That would be wrong, and not fair to him/her. "The two shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). You and your spouse belong to one another; don't hold your heart back from him/her. I must admit, I'm a sucker for love songs. The lyrics may not all be true (in light of sin), but I do believe that God fully intended for us to be able to revel in our love for that special person, and tell them in beautiful words (hopefully with consistently beautiful actions, since love really is a verb) how dear he/she is to our heart. That is a gift. But we must remain careful not to lose sight of the One to whom that love points, and we must not put our ultimate hope in the wrong place.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

vagabond

What is love? The basics

I don't claim to be much of a writer, but besides wanting to be able to share my attempts at 'photography' through this blog, I also opened it in order to express and share some of my meager thoughts, not only for the entertainment of others, but because writing helps me to organize my thoughts. Until this point, I haven't really felt adequately equipped to delve into any sort of worthwhile topic. Even now, I'm not sure what I'm doing. But trying and failing is better than never having tried at all, so I guess I'll take a shot at today's topic: Love.

This is a topic I've been thinking quite a bit on lately, since coming to a point where I realized more than ever before how little I understood it. Yes, I'd heard I Corinthians 13, I knew that love was selfless (though it must be considered that pure agape is being described there). But what about the feelings of affection towards others; friends, family and, yes, lovers? Are 'feelings' merely an added aspect of our fallen nature, since they seem to have a sense of self-interest? Love is measured by action, not by feelings, but what constitutes true and pure love? Is love a cause or an effect, or both?

To better understand this worthy subject, I turned to C.S. Lewis, who always seems to have a quirky but very deeply thoughtful perspective. I read his work, "The Four Loves" last summer, in an attempt to broaden my understanding, but as always, what you get out of any sort of writing depends on your current mindset and what you're looking for. If you're looking for confirmation of your preconceived notions, then that is exactly what you will get. However, if you're looking for truth, as objectively as possible (since I don't believe we will ever be able to do so with completely pure motives, not in this life, anyway), with the help of the Holy Spirit, you will find it.

Lewis begins by dividing love into it's most basic elements: need-love, gift-love and appreciative love. Need-love is, essentially, a void that must be filled (Plato calls it the "son of poverty"). "As soon as we are fully conscious, we discover loneliness," Lewis says, "We need others physically, emotionally, and intellectually, if we are to know anything, even ourselves." God said that "It is not good that man should be alone (Genesis 2:18). This leaves no doubt in my mind that need-love, being built into our very natures from the 6th day of creation, is something God fully intended for us to have. I don't want to leave the impression that need-love (or either of the other two loves, for that matter) occurs only between human beings. Suffice it to say, need-love is a need, and I will delve further into the different types, and their different relations, later on. Now, of gift-love. I suppose the simplest way to define gift-love would be a love which is not necessarily earned, but causes one to give of themselves for another. Lewis defines it as "that love which moves a man to work and plan and save for the future well-being of his family which he will die without sharing or seeing". In it's purest form, gift-love would be the "agape" love, thoroughly void of need, which God is. Appreciative love is a disinterested admiration or wonder for/of the beauty, pleasance or awesomeness of a person or thing. Keep in mind that none of these three loves, "except need-love, ever exists alone in 'chemical' purity", Lewis says, "for more than a few seconds." Keep in mind, also, that due to our fallen nature, all three can be corrupted. "We may give our human loves the unconditional allegiance which we owe only to God. Then they become gods, then they become demons. Then they will destroy us, and also themselves. For natural loves which are allowed to become gods do not remain loves." -C.S. Lewis. Do not be ruled by your emotions, but rule over them.

I would love to go further in my exploration at this time, but I fear I would bore you. Also, I would like to think more on this subject, and perhaps see what any commentators have to add. I will say that I will will most likely write about the "pleasure loves" next, as Lewis does in his book, and perhaps explore the four greek loves if I have time. Also, I would like to feel like I've actually accomplished something, today, so I'ma go get some other things done. But I do hope that my entry has made some sense, and that it's enjoyable and thought-provoking to whoever reads it. If you have thoughts to add, by all means, I'd love to hear them. Well, I guess I'll stop typing now. Over and out.

tomato.

sunset.

I've had these photos sitting on my computer for nearly a year, waiting for the memory for a decent photo editing program. I have been unable to acquire one in that time frame, but I figured I should update, anyway. These are from last fall, when I was living in Cadillac, Michigan. Being an amateur, I was unable to adequately capture the glory of the original 'picture', but here are my feeble attempts, anyway.

reflections.

vase.