Hero

I was going through old notes on my ipod, when I came across something I had written last September. I was encouraged by it, and thought someone else might be, too:

"Sometimes I feel such sorrow, even though I still have contentment and joy. It's as though I'm alright in Christ's strength, but my weakness still shows through sometimes. It hurts to feel so very alone, sometimes, even though I know in my heart I have Christ, and He is by far enough. But sometimes I long for someone to embrace me, to show interest in spending time with me or talking to me, as though I have something to offer, to be appreciated for. I guess I don't so much need to be 'liked' or popular... I need to feel needed. I need to feel concerned for. I was just listening to a song where the singer was essentially begging someone to let them love them, and I thought, no one hopes for me. No one will probably ever hope for me. No one who shares my hopes and passions. It hurts to think that way. I know you're in control of all that, Lord, but it still hurts sometimes. And I need your strength to bear it. The strength that only you can provide.

I did have an awesome thought yesterday, though. I'm not sure that a guy could realize this in the same way, but a girl wants her guy to be her hero. She wants him to be stronger than her, to hold her and carry her sometimes and protect her, and as much as she would hate to lose him, she would want him to stand between her and death, if necessary. As far as affection for Christ goes, he does and has done all of that. He gave his life for his bride, for me, so that I might live, to win me for himself. This realization should steal my heart, and make me fall deeply, very deeply in love with my savior, my hero."

As of now, I'm not so alone anymore. I have the most wonderful boyfriend I could ever have asked for, and he loves the Lord as much as I do! I couldn't be happier. God has been so merciful and gracious to me. But coming across this note was an important reminder to me that Jesus always needs to be my ultimate source of joy.

"Thou lovely source of true delight

Whom I unseen adore;

Unveil thy beauties to my sight

That I might love thee more;

O! That I might love thee more."

-Jars of Clay, 'Hymn'

Beautiful

There are times when I feel swallowed by all the pain, loss and sorrow in the world. I want to make a difference. I hurt for the people who hurt. I want to change it all, to steal it all away and replace it with joy and love and peace. Especially this Christmas. It hurts my heart to not be able to give and share with the people I love. I really do have a heart for people, and as irritable as I can get sometimes, I want to give all those people a giant hug and wipe away their tears and tell them it will be okay, and be able to mean it, I want to have the power to make it all better. Sometimes I tell people it will be okay, even though I know it won't. Sometimes I have to be strong so that other people can be strong, even though my heart cries out within me that I'm terrified, that I'm weak, that I can't do it. But even though I can't make it all better, I have a Father who can, and I can talk to him and cry to him any time I need to. My favorite scripture is Zephaniah 3:17, “The Lord your God in your midst, the mighty One; He will save. He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” It's my favorite scripture because it reminds me that God is closer than an intangible being. He is as close to me as a Father, who takes delight in me in spite of my failures and imperfections. He cares deeply for me, and He is in control of the universe and all it's events. So I don't have to be afraid, even though I know I'll continue to be. I can make a huge difference just by talking to my Father about my fears for myself and for others, and my sorrows and pains. I know He will provide, I know He will always be there for me. Even if I lose all that I own, and all that makes me feel safe, and I'm all alone in this world, I can never lose His love. I am full of fear, not so much for myself, but for those that I care about. I want to save all of them from ever having to hurt, and I am very afraid of losing them. I can't save them. But Jesus can. Jesus did. There will always be pain in the world. But it won't be forever. Someday everything will be returned to it's original design and intent, and we will be closer to God than we could have ever imagined. There will be no more tears, no more pain, no more brokenness. And it will be beautiful.

hammers and sand

"Where my shoes become hammers and my words become sand..." -Blue October, 'Come in Closer'


I haven't written anything in quite awhile, so give me some grace here. The reason, I guess, that I've decided to take up writing again is because I've felt so deeply lately that I need some sort of outlet so I don't drive myself crazy. I recently was brought back to faith after being somewhat 'lost' for several months... bad choices, sin, not trying to make excuses for it, but I won't go into incredibly great detail here. Long story short, I wasn't sure if I was saved because of all the sinful desires I was struggling with (and still do struggle with). But I am now looking to Christ for strength rather than drowning alone in my own inabilities.And I now feel I have more accountability than I did before. But due to the consequences of my actions, including a family member who is using my poor choices as an excuse to make a plethora of her own, I have been soul-searching, listening to a lot of emotional music and lyrics that have been touching my soul deeply... in fact, I strongly desire to make my own 'music', my own impact. If I could make music, believe me, I would, but as I am a lot more verbally inclined than instrumentally inclined, I will attempt to make symphonies of words.


Ironically, my inspiration for writing today was an epiphany I had while listening to the song quoted at the beginning of this entry. I guess I never realized what that particular line meant before yesterday, but our  actions have a lot greater impact on others and the world in general than our words. Words may be forgotten, but our lives are defined by what we do and have done. I recall the parable Jesus told in Matthew 21:28-32, of the two sons and the vineyard. A father told both sons to work in his vineyard, receiving an affirmative answer from one and a negative answer from the other. The son who said he would work did not end up keeping his word, but the one who refused "regretted it afterward and went". Which of the sons, Jesus asks, did the will of his father? The one who worked, obviously. What became of the words of the first son? They "became sand", whereas the actions, or "feet", of the second son "became hammers". They had an impact.


In I John 3:18, John admonishes us to "not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth." James backs this point in James 2:15-17, where he writes, "If a brother or sister is naked or destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Depart in peace, be warmed and filled', but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also, faith without works is dead."


So the things we do are a lot more important than what we say, right? Absolutely! Does this mean that words do not carry any weight at all and that what we say doesn't matter at all? Definitely not! Right after James tells us that actions are worth more, he explains how words are important as well! "But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it, we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so." -James 3:8-10 "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!" What foolishness! James just told us that the tongue is full of deadly poison. Deadly! Anyone who has ever felt the sting and anguish of the cruel words of even children, or been emotionally abused knows that this childhood rhyme is a far cry from the truth.Words do hurt, deeply, and their scars can be seen and felt for years. Words do matter, even God said that they do. God created everything to glorify God including our words. The Psalmist writes many beautiful things about God. God has created the vast, endless array of language, vocal inflection, tones, various syllabic sounds, shaping of the mouth as simply another beauty in the world to bring glory to himself. I hope I can master the English language, at least, to the extent of being able to weave beautiful tapestries of words. But I want the beauty of my actions to mirror the beauty of my words. In fact, I want the beauty of the words I use with everyone I come in contact with to mirror the beauty of the words I speak in secret. I pray that this hope will become a reality, because I can be a very ugly person at times, and I am shamed by this. I really do hope to make some sort of difference in the world in service to Christ through service to others, even the very least in the kingdom of God. 


Let's all be more conscious not only of our words, but the spirit in which those words are spoken, and the actions the actions that will either support those words or make them to become "sand" Pray for the grace to make this a reality in each of our lives. I have been called a hypocrite several times recently. Lord, do not let it be so with me. Conform me, in humility, to the beauty of Christ. Shape my desires, words and my actions.

prayer.

As I was driving home from work tonight, I was thinking. I enjoy spending time just thinking, it helps me to sort things out. Anyway, I was thinking, in particular, about prayer. There are so many concepts and things I have yet to learn in my developing faith, and I look forward to learning a great deal throughout the course of my life. Prayer is something that has baffled me somewhat for quite awhile. If God is in complete control, and is unchanging, what's the point of praying and petitioning Him for things? It won't change His mind, so what's the use? I mean, I understand that we pray according to His will, and that our prayers help us to grow and to glorify Him, but still... As I dwelt on this concept, I had somewhat of an epiphany.

God uses our prayers in much the same way as He uses our evangelism.

We are commanded to pray; therefore, we pray. We are commanded to evangelize; therefore we evangelize. Prayer doesn't change God's will, just as evangelism doesn't change God's will. We don't know what the answer to our prayers will be, just as we don't know who will respond to the gospel call, but we pray in faith, knowing that God's will will be done, and that it is what's best. God has chosen to work through our prayers as a tool, much as He has elected to work through our evangelism. So our prayers do matter.

Isn't God awesome?

purity.

"One day we took the children to see a goldsmith refine gold after the ancient manner of the East. He was sitting beside his little charcoal fire. ("He shall sit as a refiner"; the gold- or silversmith never leaves his crucible once it is on the fire.) In the red glow lay a common curved roof tile; another tile covered it like a lid. This was the crucible. In it was the medicine made of salt, tamarind fruit and burnt brick dust, and imbedded in it was the gold. The medicine does its appointed work on the gold, "then the fire eats it," and the goldsmith lifts the gold out with a pair of tongs, lets it cool, rubs it between his fingers, and if not satisfied puts it back again in fresh medicine. This time he blows the fire hotter than it was before, and each time he puts the gold into the crucible, the heat of the fire is increased; "it could not bear it so hot at first, but it can bear it now; what would have destroyed it then helps it now." "How do you know when the gold is purified?" we asked him, and he answered, "When I can see my face in it [the liquid gold in the crucible] then it is pure." -Amy Carmichael, 'Gold Cord'

Memento Mori

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return." -Genesis 3:19

joy will come

"Sitting closer than my pain, He knew each tear before it came; soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by..."

"You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?" -Psalm 56:8

"Joy will come!"